Picnic
by NicetyL
Summary: Just drabbles. Or not. Fine, then- humorous misadventures. Random weirdness. You know what I'm trying to say (or maybe not. Just read the first chapter to get the gist of it).
1. Would You Care to Explain?

**Hello, all! I re-read this series twice and liked it immensely both times. So I decided- why not?- to write something about it. Thanks for reading, and I hope I don't make you people hate this series (or me)! (Be warned: I'm cliché. I'm sorry, but I always start out cliché).**

 **Disclaimer: No. Just... no. Artemis Fowl was always too awesome.**

"Number One... What is this?"

"What is what, Arty?"

Artemis Fowl the Second rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily- or rather, _attempted_ to.

"I don't think I need to explain, Number One."

"I think you do, Arty."

Artemis Fowl sighed. "If this is a so-called attempt to make me relax, it is not working."

"Oh, no." Number One said, shaking his head. "I think you misunderstand. This wasn't an attempt to make you relax at all."

"Number One, lying will not work against me. I thought you had realized that by now."

Number One smiled as he watched the pale but thoroughly annoyed face of Artemis stare back at him expressionlessly. _As always, Artemis was Artemis_. _There was no point in playing games with him..._ Then he wordlessly slid the door shut. _Butler's going to kill me when he learns about the specifics of this plan..._

In the dark, Artemis sighed. It had all been going well. He'd made progress on his newest project- he'd even stayed up for hours in the night for the past few weeks. But then he had woken up in his bedroom in time to see the wide grin of Holly Short before he had blacked out. And then... _this_ was what he had come back to conscience to. He suspected that Butler was involved since his loyal servant hadn't rescued him yet.

The pains of having 'friends' who 'were only looking out for your best interests' were endless. But even as he stared at the dark and small interior of his temporary prison with a frown, his eyes twinkled in amusement. This was the first time he'd had any contact with the People in a year. Of course it had to be dramatic.

Granted, it wasn't probably saving-the-world dramatic, but as dramatic as it got when a former evil genius meets up with a warlock, a fugitive, a centaur, and a former captain of the L.E.P., even Artemis couldn't have predicted what was about to take place.


	2. The Ropes

Artemis sighed in relief as he felt the vibrations stop. That had been a bumpy ride. He shifted his position and pulled himself to sit upright. Butler obviously knew nothing about this plan. If he had, he would've mangled the person who had suggested it. Artemis looked up as he heard something from the other side of the door of the van. Suddenly, the door was flung open, and he blinked in the sudden light. A fresh breeze rushed in, and he breathed in deeply before attempting to open his eyes again.

He stared expressionlessly at the warlock standing at the doorway, grinning at him.

"The ride wasn't _too_ hard, was it, Artemis?"

"Number One... did Captain Short come up with this idea?"

"You mean, the part about tying you up and throwing you in the back of a van? Yes. How did you guess?"

Artemis sighed. "Will you please untie me, now?"

"Hello, Mud Boy."

Artemis Fowl knew that the moment would come, but he hadn't prepared himself for it, yet. An unnaturally cheerful face appeared beside the young warlock's, and Artemis smiled bemusedly at the elf clad in green clothes.

"Hello, Captain Short."

The elf pouted a bit at the formal greeting, but she cheered up immediately as she stepped inside the van.

"You really did a nice job with the ropes, Number One."

"I try." The warlock said, grinning and stepping in, too.

" _Holly_. _Number One_. I believe that it would be in your best interests to untie me _now_. Butler will not fail to notice any chafe marks on my skin."

Artemis didn't see their expressions, but he heard both of them kneel on the ground near him and start tugging at the ropes.

"D'Arvit! Number One, do you have a knife with you?"

"I thought _you_ would have one!"

Artemis felt both of them freeze as a neighing laugh come from the doorway.

"I could ruin all of your lives by sending _one_ picture to a certain bodyguard." The shaggy head of Foaly said, appearing in the doorway. That had been unexpected.

"What sort of emergency allowed L.E.P.'s best technician to come to the surface with the most powerful warlock underground and the most infamous L.E.P. captain?"

"Hey! I'm not _that_ bad!" Holly protested.

"That, my fellow genius, is a question you should be asking the new Commander."

Artemis caught the gaze of the centaur, and understood immediately. He had guessed as much. Commander Vinyaya wouldn't have left a gifted officer like Captain Short go to waste.

"I see. Congratualations, Commander Short."

" _Congratulations_ my foot. It took me ten months to finally get through enough of my paperwork for me to ask permission to take a short flight aboveground."

Artemis laughed at the annoyed tone of his old friend.

"Arty- you laughed. You actually _laughed_."

He saw Holly Short come into his sphere of vision to look at him curiously.

"Will someone please just untie me, already?" Artemis sighed. "I have been through at least _an hour_ of jostling in the dark."

Holly's face broke into a grin, and the sight almost brought a smile to Artemis's face, too. It had been too long since he had had any contact with the People.

"Want to shoot at him with this new trinket? It'll only singe a bit, I promise." Foaly said, pulling out a small gun. "It's only lethal if you miss his ropes and shoot him, instead. Loaded with bullets coated with deadly poison and all that."

"Are you _trying_ to kill me?"

"Maybe."

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" Holly cried, interrupting Artemis's comeback. "Number One, you're a warlock. _Do_ something before Butler gets here."

The warlock sighed. "It's not _that_ simp- "

"Have you ever seen that huge, bear of a man angry? I don't think so. _I_ did, and I've been careful to keep him on my side ever since."

"And here I was thinking that your venom might have died down because you developed a small amount of tolerance for my presence." Artemis said.

"I don't think _anyone_ can tolerate that tone for too long. It's almost worse that Foaly's."

"Hey! Keep me out of this!" Foaly protested. "I prefer to live, so I'll let the three of you figure out how to get those ropes off until Butler gets here."

"You leave, and I will hunt you down, centaur," Holly threatened.

In the end, they managed to drag Artemis out of the van and into an open field of grass. As Artemis had stared around, they had decided to wait for Mulch to arrive. Dwarf hair could do a number on a few bits of twined rope.

 **Sorry! I should make it longer next time. But this will get better, I promise!**

 **Disclaimer** **: I do not own these awesome characters. Sadly...**


	3. Mulch Finally Arrives

Hello, again! I will put off my laziness (I'm working on about five different stories, so it was bound to happen) and actually continue this fan fiction. Thanks for reading this!

Disclaimer: I don't own this series.

" _Holly_."

"Cool it, centaur. We're not using that gun."

"This might be a bad time, but did I mention that I might have used a bit of magic on the ropes?"

"What?! You could've mentioned that sooner!" Foaly exclaimed.

"But, you're right. Dwarf hair would work." Number One offered, trying to clam the centaur down.

Artemis sighed again. They were at a picnic table. In the middle of huge expanses of grass that stretched on for as far as he could see. So this is what they had planned...

"Now we just have to wait and see if Butler and Juliet arrive before that sorry excuse for a dwarf." Foaly said, looking like he was sorely tempted to bite his nails to little nubs until they arrived.

"Butler isn't that evil. You can stop worry- "

"Holly! We just kidnapped Butler's charge, threw him in the back of a van after tying him up with multiple ropes full of magic, and then dragged him across the grass. We're going to _die_ if Butler finds out. And frankly, I had plans to live a little longer."

As the centaur cantered around the group in hysterics, Holly and No.1 had been playing cards near their young genius, but they half-jumped when they heard the new voice.

"Calm yourself, pony man. I'm here." Something that looked like a huge mess of hair wearing a jumpsuit stood under the picnic table, licking his muddy teeth clean.

"Mulch! I can't believe I'm saying this, but _where have you been?_ Weren't you in the shuttle right behind us? We've been waiting for you!" Foaly ranted on. "Oh, wait. I just realized that I don't care. Just free the Mud Boy from those ropes!"

Mulch burped, and then sauntered out from underneath the table.

"Hi, Holly. No.1. Annoying Mud Boy."

"Mulch!" Foaly moaned.

"You need to say the magic words."

"Please!"

"What? That's not the magic word."

"Um... thank you?"

"No! It's 'I'll give you lots of gold if you do this.''"

Foaly pulled out his new gun.

"I'll shoot you with five ounces of the deadliest poison known in this world if you don't do this."

Mulch flinched. The centaur looked serious.

"Fine! Fine! Those will do," he grumbled, ambling over to Artemis. The boy looked down at him with amusement.

"What, boy? You know, I can accidentally bite your hand off."

"Yes, and then you can accidentally get torn from limb to limb by Butler." Artemis said cheerfully. Mulch glared at him and grumbled something under his breath.

"Taking advantage of me with threats... _Friends?_ Yeah, right..." were about all Artemis could hear, but he suspected a few colorful words were also escaped the dwarf's lips.

When Artemis Fowl finally stood up, rubbing his hands, Foaly sighed in relief.

 **And so started another clichéd meeting between friends from the world under and above.**


End file.
